So October is Breast Cancer Awareness month...which is great but we should not limit this awareness to only one month...so If you are a female please remember to do your self breast checks often....it's very easy and it's VERY neccessary no matter your age race or anything else you think that will make you not get it...Breast Cancer has no face it will attack anyone at any time...You don't even have to have it run in your family for many women who get Breast Cancer they are the first one in their family to get it...so if you think that because no one has had it (which by the way it could be far in your family chain) that means you can't get it, think again!
Here is how I do my self breast test...it's easiest to remember to do it in the shower so what I do is I just raise my arm and rub under my arm pit alll around my breast and under my breast leaving no place untouched...and what I do is I rub really hard because what you want to feel for is a bump or anything that feels abnormal...you will feel some little tiny bumps which as far as I know normal...but if you feel something hard and like a ball or anything that you think may be abnormal you should make a doctor appointment or you could ask you mother sister grandmother or any other female you trust to feel if you can't explain exactly what you felt...doing these test is very important and should not be something you are embarrassed about...you should speak to all the women in your life about doing their own test because a lot of the women who find out they have breast cancer find out because of the self test they did which ends up saving their lives because they found it early....so if you do feel something that scares you or feels weird or hurts when you touch it tell an adult and go see a doctor...encourage someone to do their test today...save a life!
♥
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Friday, September 4, 2009
Bullying
I went to a workshop yesterday that was focused on bullying prevention...it was pretty interesting to hear some of the statistics...the one that really shocked me was that out of all the adults who knew there was bullying going on, only 4% of them stepped in to help...4%!...that is crazy!...I don't understand how if you know or see a child is being bullied, how you could just sit back and do nothing!...By doing nothing that adult is making the child who is being bullied feel they can't trust adults and making the child who is doing the bullying feel that what they're doing is okay...which in both of these cases is not true...children should feel they can go to an adult they trust and know that person will do whatever they can to keep them safe, and they also need to know that if they do something wrong there are consequences.
If you are being bullied at school you need to speak to someone you trust about it now...you have the right to feel safe at school and if someone is taking that safety away they need to be stopped...if you can't talk to your parents about it then you need to talk to teacher, guidance counsellor, principal, secretary, custodian anyone you feel safe talking to....because they are all there to help you....I know it's hard because you are probably being threatened by the person who is bullying you and you are afraid of what may happen if you 'tell' on them...it's not 'tattling, ratting or being a snitch' if it's something that is threatening your life or your safety...you need to tell someone...an adult can help you by first making you feel safe again...they will help you understand why this may be happening and they will help to make it stop for good...this adult will also help you find ways of making sure this doesn't happen again...so whenever you find the courage please tell an adult about what is going on so you no longer have to feel unsafe at school.
Cyber Bullying
Cyber bullying is becoming a major problem and it is spilling over in schools...students are not only bullying each other on MSN, Facebook, MySpace and all the other social networks, but now they are bringing whatever starts on the computer to school...cyber bullying is something that many parents don't even know exist...which is scary.
If you are being Cyber bullied you should not think it's no big deal because it is a big deal and it could very quickly turn into a HUGE deal...if someone is ruining your reputation over the net you need to tell someone...because it's the same thing as if they were doing this in person...they are still ruining your reputation which is not okay...if they are spreading things about you over the net that are inappropriate then you need to tell someone...if they are making it difficult for you to walk the halls at school because of the things they are typing about you over the net you NEED to tell someone...Cyber Bullying is just as serious as bullying in person...there is no difference...bullying is bullying and it's never okay!
IF you or someone you know is being bullied please feel free to contact me.
Pheona
If you are being bullied at school you need to speak to someone you trust about it now...you have the right to feel safe at school and if someone is taking that safety away they need to be stopped...if you can't talk to your parents about it then you need to talk to teacher, guidance counsellor, principal, secretary, custodian anyone you feel safe talking to....because they are all there to help you....I know it's hard because you are probably being threatened by the person who is bullying you and you are afraid of what may happen if you 'tell' on them...it's not 'tattling, ratting or being a snitch' if it's something that is threatening your life or your safety...you need to tell someone...an adult can help you by first making you feel safe again...they will help you understand why this may be happening and they will help to make it stop for good...this adult will also help you find ways of making sure this doesn't happen again...so whenever you find the courage please tell an adult about what is going on so you no longer have to feel unsafe at school.
Cyber Bullying
Cyber bullying is becoming a major problem and it is spilling over in schools...students are not only bullying each other on MSN, Facebook, MySpace and all the other social networks, but now they are bringing whatever starts on the computer to school...cyber bullying is something that many parents don't even know exist...which is scary.
If you are being Cyber bullied you should not think it's no big deal because it is a big deal and it could very quickly turn into a HUGE deal...if someone is ruining your reputation over the net you need to tell someone...because it's the same thing as if they were doing this in person...they are still ruining your reputation which is not okay...if they are spreading things about you over the net that are inappropriate then you need to tell someone...if they are making it difficult for you to walk the halls at school because of the things they are typing about you over the net you NEED to tell someone...Cyber Bullying is just as serious as bullying in person...there is no difference...bullying is bullying and it's never okay!
IF you or someone you know is being bullied please feel free to contact me.
Pheona
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Man Up!
When your parents are no longer together it's hard to see the parent you're left with in pain...most times it's your mother...seeing your mother struggle to keep a happy face for you is hard...it's especially hard when you're at an age that completely understands what's going on because you are left feeling there has to be something you can do to take the pain away...I find that this is harder when you are a boy...you feel like you need to roll up your sleeves and 'man up'.
Feeling like you have to jump into the dad roll is something most boys do when they father has moved out of the house...they tend to feel that because they are now the only male left in the house it means they have to be the one to help take care of the family...which is a very nice idea, but not something they should do...fathers leave their family's for many different reasons...it's most likely due to problems between the two parents that could not be fixed...leaving the house is never an easy decision but it's one that has been discussed many times....when the father moves out he leaves knowing the mother has the ability to take care of the children he may be leaving behind...and there's a good chance that he will still be very much involved in raising those children...so there is no need for the son to feel he has to take over where the father left off.
When the father leaves unexpectedly due to death, jail or any other reason it's harder for the son to resist taking over...some mothers actually place pressure on their sons to take on more responsibilities because they are now the 'man of the house'...I personally feel this is not fair...I feel that no matter what the situation that the mother should not expect her son to take on the responsibilities of his absent father...it's one thing to have him pick up more chores...but to tell him he is the 'man of the house' now is only going to do harm to that child...he will be left worrying about adult things like putting food on the table, buying clothes or even paying bills...these pressures are not one that a young boy needs...he has enough going on with hormones, school and his social life....my advice if you are a young man who has had to take over where your father left off is to sit down and talk to your mother...let her know what this is doing to you and let her know how you feel about these added responsibilities...because
Feeling like you have to jump into the dad roll is something most boys do when they father has moved out of the house...they tend to feel that because they are now the only male left in the house it means they have to be the one to help take care of the family...which is a very nice idea, but not something they should do...fathers leave their family's for many different reasons...it's most likely due to problems between the two parents that could not be fixed...leaving the house is never an easy decision but it's one that has been discussed many times....when the father moves out he leaves knowing the mother has the ability to take care of the children he may be leaving behind...and there's a good chance that he will still be very much involved in raising those children...so there is no need for the son to feel he has to take over where the father left off.
When the father leaves unexpectedly due to death, jail or any other reason it's harder for the son to resist taking over...some mothers actually place pressure on their sons to take on more responsibilities because they are now the 'man of the house'...I personally feel this is not fair...I feel that no matter what the situation that the mother should not expect her son to take on the responsibilities of his absent father...it's one thing to have him pick up more chores...but to tell him he is the 'man of the house' now is only going to do harm to that child...he will be left worrying about adult things like putting food on the table, buying clothes or even paying bills...these pressures are not one that a young boy needs...he has enough going on with hormones, school and his social life....my advice if you are a young man who has had to take over where your father left off is to sit down and talk to your mother...let her know what this is doing to you and let her know how you feel about these added responsibilities...because
Condoms...Wear One!!
This is a touchy subject I know...but I feel it's one that you can never 'over-expose' to a young person.
Talking about safe sex is always something that makes all parties uncomfortable...even the person who does the same seminar over and over has one part of their speech where it is very uncomfortable, they just don't show it...I don't remember the details of what I was taught about condoms in school, but I do remember it was very brief and it went by very quickly!
I wanted to talk about this topic because I want all of you out there to know just how important it is to wear a condom if you do decide to have sex...if you feel that you are truly ready to start a sexual lifestyle then you need to know how to do it responsibly.
1) Are you really ready?
If you have to ask yourself this question then you are NOT ready...I can't type the ways you will know if you're ready for sex because only you can answer that question..you know yourself and you know what you can handle in terms of everything that comes with having sex..thinking or even knowing you're in love is not a reason to begin having sex, because you can love someone, but when the idea of having sex comes up you could find yourself getting nervous or even feeling sick...so again only you know yourself and if you truly have to question whether you're ready or not...you are NOT ready to be in a sexual relationship!
2) Health Risk
Before having sex you need to do your research and know the risk that COULD happen to you...like all the diseases, you need to pay special attention to the diseases that may not have symptoms...yes there are sexually transmitted diseases that will NOT have any symptoms...you could be walking around with a STD right now and not know it!...so my advice is if you are already having sex then you need to go see a doctor and let them know this and get regular check ups...oh and tell your partner to do the same!...if you go to the doctor and find out that you do have a STD then please take the measures your doctor tell you to and please tell your partner to get checked out as well so the disease does not spread to anyone else...even if you are in a committed relationship...I know this could be something embarrassing for both you and your partner but having sex is very important and a very big deal and is a very adult thing to do...so you need to act like adults and do what a responsible adult would do.
3) Getting Pregnant
Are you ready to raise a baby? if you're a woman, do you know for sure that the father of your child is going to be with you forever? and if not is he they type that will take care of his child no matter what happens between you and him? Do you have a job? or a good career? who will take care of the baby when you have to go back to that job? are you going to be able to graduate high school? and if not, will you be able to go back to school in the near future? who will watch the baby while you do that? Are you parents going to help out? is your partners parents willing to help? are they willing to take care of the baby if something happens to you or your partner? these are just a few of the questions you'll have to think about before having sex because getting pregnant COULD happen to you...if these questions scare you then you should NOT be having sex.
4) Your Parents Reaction
If you are having sex I guarantee you that they know...as much as you have been trying to hide it...they know...hiding that you're sexually active is not as easy as it seems...a lot about you changes once you start having sex...so my advice is to talk to your parents about it...if you can't talk to both of them, then talk to at least one of them...because they will be able to guide you through this...it's a tough thing and it's not something you should be only talking to your friends about...yes your parents will be in shock and will be very mad at first, but it's something that they can't have you take back...it's done and if you decide it's something you're not going to stop doing then they will see that they need to support your decision and help you do it as safe as possible....your parent is the one who will make you feel safe, they will help you make decisions you didn't think about like choosing the right birth control...they may have to tell you about a certain illness that is in your family that may prevent you from using certain birth controls...so if you do decide to have sex please please talk to at least one of your parents...it's hard to know your child is having sex because as a parent you will never feel they are ready...but if that child comes to you in a mature manner you will do what you have to make sure they are taking the proper precautions...because there is nothing worse than a parents guilt if something bad did happen to you as a result of having sex... if this is too scary to bare, then you are NOT ready to have sex.
It kills me how on TV people are having sex and making out with so many different people in the same day and the only risks that they discuss is the possibility of the woman getting pregnant! I mean REALLY??...no, no, no!!!...getting pregnant is not the worst thing that can happen when you have unprotected sex...dying is!...they hardly ever show someone on tv getting an STD it's always a pregnancy scare and never a STD scare...this is very scary to me because the media which is so influential today is not shedding light on STD's....If you have unprotected sex there is a good chance that you WILL get an STD...If you have unprotected sex with multiple people there is a good chance that you WILL get HIV or AIDS or any of the other deadly STD's....and if you do get pregnant that doesn't mean that you don't have an STD...you could have an STD while you're pregnant.
If you don't know how to put on a condom don't use that as an excuse not to wear one...if you don't know how to put one on then you should NOT be having sex...and this goes for both males and females...you should all know how to put on a condom.
One more thing if you are embarrassed to walk into a store to buy condoms, you are NOT ready to have sex...there should be nothing embarrassing about having sex, if there is then you are NOT ready...believe me sex will always be there...listen to that inner voice...if something in you is saying you don't want to then listen to it...no matter when that voice comes to you...it's never too late to say no!
Talking about safe sex is always something that makes all parties uncomfortable...even the person who does the same seminar over and over has one part of their speech where it is very uncomfortable, they just don't show it...I don't remember the details of what I was taught about condoms in school, but I do remember it was very brief and it went by very quickly!
I wanted to talk about this topic because I want all of you out there to know just how important it is to wear a condom if you do decide to have sex...if you feel that you are truly ready to start a sexual lifestyle then you need to know how to do it responsibly.
1) Are you really ready?
If you have to ask yourself this question then you are NOT ready...I can't type the ways you will know if you're ready for sex because only you can answer that question..you know yourself and you know what you can handle in terms of everything that comes with having sex..thinking or even knowing you're in love is not a reason to begin having sex, because you can love someone, but when the idea of having sex comes up you could find yourself getting nervous or even feeling sick...so again only you know yourself and if you truly have to question whether you're ready or not...you are NOT ready to be in a sexual relationship!
2) Health Risk
Before having sex you need to do your research and know the risk that COULD happen to you...like all the diseases, you need to pay special attention to the diseases that may not have symptoms...yes there are sexually transmitted diseases that will NOT have any symptoms...you could be walking around with a STD right now and not know it!...so my advice is if you are already having sex then you need to go see a doctor and let them know this and get regular check ups...oh and tell your partner to do the same!...if you go to the doctor and find out that you do have a STD then please take the measures your doctor tell you to and please tell your partner to get checked out as well so the disease does not spread to anyone else...even if you are in a committed relationship...I know this could be something embarrassing for both you and your partner but having sex is very important and a very big deal and is a very adult thing to do...so you need to act like adults and do what a responsible adult would do.
3) Getting Pregnant
Are you ready to raise a baby? if you're a woman, do you know for sure that the father of your child is going to be with you forever? and if not is he they type that will take care of his child no matter what happens between you and him? Do you have a job? or a good career? who will take care of the baby when you have to go back to that job? are you going to be able to graduate high school? and if not, will you be able to go back to school in the near future? who will watch the baby while you do that? Are you parents going to help out? is your partners parents willing to help? are they willing to take care of the baby if something happens to you or your partner? these are just a few of the questions you'll have to think about before having sex because getting pregnant COULD happen to you...if these questions scare you then you should NOT be having sex.
4) Your Parents Reaction
If you are having sex I guarantee you that they know...as much as you have been trying to hide it...they know...hiding that you're sexually active is not as easy as it seems...a lot about you changes once you start having sex...so my advice is to talk to your parents about it...if you can't talk to both of them, then talk to at least one of them...because they will be able to guide you through this...it's a tough thing and it's not something you should be only talking to your friends about...yes your parents will be in shock and will be very mad at first, but it's something that they can't have you take back...it's done and if you decide it's something you're not going to stop doing then they will see that they need to support your decision and help you do it as safe as possible....your parent is the one who will make you feel safe, they will help you make decisions you didn't think about like choosing the right birth control...they may have to tell you about a certain illness that is in your family that may prevent you from using certain birth controls...so if you do decide to have sex please please talk to at least one of your parents...it's hard to know your child is having sex because as a parent you will never feel they are ready...but if that child comes to you in a mature manner you will do what you have to make sure they are taking the proper precautions...because there is nothing worse than a parents guilt if something bad did happen to you as a result of having sex... if this is too scary to bare, then you are NOT ready to have sex.
It kills me how on TV people are having sex and making out with so many different people in the same day and the only risks that they discuss is the possibility of the woman getting pregnant! I mean REALLY??...no, no, no!!!...getting pregnant is not the worst thing that can happen when you have unprotected sex...dying is!...they hardly ever show someone on tv getting an STD it's always a pregnancy scare and never a STD scare...this is very scary to me because the media which is so influential today is not shedding light on STD's....If you have unprotected sex there is a good chance that you WILL get an STD...If you have unprotected sex with multiple people there is a good chance that you WILL get HIV or AIDS or any of the other deadly STD's....and if you do get pregnant that doesn't mean that you don't have an STD...you could have an STD while you're pregnant.
If you don't know how to put on a condom don't use that as an excuse not to wear one...if you don't know how to put one on then you should NOT be having sex...and this goes for both males and females...you should all know how to put on a condom.
One more thing if you are embarrassed to walk into a store to buy condoms, you are NOT ready to have sex...there should be nothing embarrassing about having sex, if there is then you are NOT ready...believe me sex will always be there...listen to that inner voice...if something in you is saying you don't want to then listen to it...no matter when that voice comes to you...it's never too late to say no!
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
FALLING FOR YOUR BEST FRIEND :) :(
So I heard a song today that I haven't heard for a long time...it's one that I love and forgot I loved until I heard it today...it's by an artist called Musiq SoulChild and the name of the song is 'half crazy'...this song is about Musiq doing something that a lot of people have done in their lives but never seem to talk about...crossing the line with one their closest friends....in the song Musiq sings: "...we use to laugh/now you get mad/DAM...I JUST WANT MY FRIEND BAAAACK'....this line is what made me decide to pick this topic for tonights blog....I think this is a subject that needs to be covered because I'm sure some of you out there are struggling with feelings for your best friends and not quite sure what to do.
Let me just start by saying this...the advice I'm going to give you applies to whether you are falling for your friend who is of an opposite sex or of the same sex...the same feelings come into play and the same confusion applies....okay? so when you read my words don't say...'yea but...' cuz I'm speaking to all of you! :)
It's never easy to have feelings for someone...no matter how old you are it's never easy...it's never easy because having real feelings for someone is not something we can control easily...it's something we have to force ourselves to control....and this is 10 times more difficult to deal with when you have feelings for someone that you shouldn't have feelings for...AND it's 20 times worse when it's feelings for someone who is your best friend...someone who is your 'person'...someone who you tell your secrets to, someone who you call immediately after something exciting or terrible has happened....now this is the reason why it is 20 times more difficult to deal with....because when you start having feelings for your 'person' who can you tell???......who do you tell that when you see your crush you get butterflies? who can you tell that your crush makes your body do things and feel things it's never felt before???...what do you do when the person you are crushing on is your 'person'???
So many feelings come into play when the person you have a crush on is the person you spend the most time with...the person who knows what you're going to say before you say it...now you have to deal with the thoughts on top of the feelings...and to me the thoughts are much harder to handle...because now that you have discovered that you have feelings for this person your conversations are already starting to change because you are not 100% involved...you are there physically, but mentally you are busy worrying...you're worrying about what this person will think if you tell them how you feel...what would their immediate reaction be??...chances are you think you already know exactly what they'll do...so now you're worrying about that...if you and your best friend have a friendship where you are hugging and horse playing a lot...that becomes super awkward...you are now worrying about if your hand slips or if you hug them longer than usual...it's torture...it's absolute torture!....so what do you do?...
I can almost bet that I know what you've done so far...you have pushed them away...you may have not even known that you've done this...you've come up with excuses for not hanging out as much...or you've just flat out told them that you don't want to hang out...you think this will help you get your thoughts together right?....you think that by distancing yourself from them that these feelings will go away and you can go back to how things were?...yea...how's that workin for ya?....that's the worse thing you could do and I'll tell you why...you pushing them away will only make them think they did something wrong and it'll ruin your relationship...you shutting them out will only make them think that you've changed and wonder whether they should even be friends with you anymore because they feel like they no longer know you....so what you have to do is be honest...if you have these feelings for them and it's really not something that you can ignore, because some times we can ignore them...if it's just a little crush where you suddenly find that your best friend has grown up before your eyes and has become very beautiful or handsome...that's something you can push aside...but if it's something where you find you are actually attracted to them and you are fighting all the feelings I've mentioned than it's not something that'll pass...so you need to do some decision making...and fast!...if you have pushed them away then you need to decide right now what you're going to do...
The reality is that either way things will never be the same...if you have already distanced yourself from this person then chances are the relationship has shifted...so you now need to decide how you are going to tell them the truth about why you have done this to them or you will have to lie and just sum it up to you're just going through some 'stuff' which they won't believe...so you get what I'm saying right???...lying to them will not help the situation....it's a tough decision I know...because once you tell them what you're feeling it'll be the end of your relationship as you know it....what you could do is just tell them straight out how you feel but also tell them that you don't want things to get weird...it's just how you feel and you wanted to be honest before things started to get even more weird...it's a scary thought I know...but it's a lot better than leaving this person in the dark and just distancing yourself from them which leaves them to feel they've done something to you....now once you decide what you're going to do you need to prepare yourself for the possible outcome...you need to know that there is a good chance that your friend may look at you strangely at first...they may feel threatened and feel grossed out...but it'll pass once they remember who you are and what your friendship means....this may result in a fight at first because they may immediately think this means you want to make out with them or something gross...so be prepared for that reaction....once they calm down they will talk to you and you will be able to explain to them what exactly you feel....you will have to prepare to hear that they may not feel they could be close friends with you any more...they may feel by you telling them this changes things and that you can't hang out as much as you do...it's sad I know...but that's the reality of it....you need to prepare yourself for the worse case scenario...they will storm out the room and you will never speak again....this could very well happen...they may be very disgusted by this and decide that it's too much information and decide that they want nothing to do with you ever again...and honestly if this happens then you are better off without them...because if they can't 'handle' your feelings then they were never your 'person'....you will mourn the loss of that friendship but you will raise stronger and feel about your decision to tell them how you feel....oh there's one more outcome you should prepare for...and it's a good one!....you may pour your heart out to your BFF and they could very well tell you they feel the exact same way...they could tell you that they have had these feelings and have been struggling with tell you as well...which is great and wonderful for you both...but it brings us to the next section of this post....
Okay so it may turn out that both you and your best friend have feelings for each other...you're now struggling with what to do about these feelings...you are struggling because now that it's all out in the open you don't know what to do...do you act on these feelings or not?....let me tell you...once the cat is out of the bag there is no turning back...what I mean is once you tell each other how you feel there's no taking that back...from that moment the friendship has changed...the friendship you have an hour before you both spilled the beans is no longer the friendship you share....so the problem is not that crossing that line will change your friendship cuz that's already done...now the problem is what road will this friendship take...you are now at a cross road...to the left is the path where you try really, really hard to act like you didn't spill the beans and carry on a relationship that is non sexual or intimate....and pray that it's not awkward (good luck with that one) then to the right is the path where you jump into the pool holding hands and just pray you work great as a couple and don't end up breaking up and hating eachother (good luck with that one also)....so now you're left looking into each others eyes waiting for the other to make this tough decision....you need to know that either path you take will lead you to the same place...a new relationship...if you decide to go left your relationship will be one of awkwardness and one where you keep thinking 'what if' and you will be walking on egg shells and avoiding certain topics and situations....BUT...you will get over the awkwardness...the problem is that it'll take a while to get over it...and in the time it takes you could end up drifting apart unknowingly and one day wake up realizing the two of you haven't hung out for a month...you will still be friends but just no longer each others 'person'....but if you can stand the awkwardness and hang in there for it to pass then your friendship will take a new meaning and you will remain each others 'person' and be thankful you never crossed the line....if you take the path to the right you may have to deal with some awkwardness also...if you do end up crossing the line you may end up feeling extremely awkward and may find it's too much and too embarrassing which will result in the two of you drifting apart very quickly and the friendship ending very abruptly...which could be tragic....you could also find that yes it was awkward but beautiful at the same time...you may find that you two are closer because of crossing that line and you may be able to remain just friends after and just agree you shared something very special that you kept between the two of you....thirdly you may find that because you crossed the line you were able to see each other in a new light and realize that you are even more connected than you thought and may never go back to being just friends but go on to be something much deeper than either of you ever imagined...so whatever path you take it will change your relationship...but hopefully keep the 'friend'ship alive.
So whether you choose to tell your BFF how you feel or not it's a tough decision...if you are sitting there right now and the decision is overwhelming then talk to someone you trust...i know normally you'd go to your 'person' but try to think of someone who can be your temporary 'person'...because some times just talking about it aloud will help the decision seem clearer...good luck!
Let me just start by saying this...the advice I'm going to give you applies to whether you are falling for your friend who is of an opposite sex or of the same sex...the same feelings come into play and the same confusion applies....okay? so when you read my words don't say...'yea but...' cuz I'm speaking to all of you! :)
It's never easy to have feelings for someone...no matter how old you are it's never easy...it's never easy because having real feelings for someone is not something we can control easily...it's something we have to force ourselves to control....and this is 10 times more difficult to deal with when you have feelings for someone that you shouldn't have feelings for...AND it's 20 times worse when it's feelings for someone who is your best friend...someone who is your 'person'...someone who you tell your secrets to, someone who you call immediately after something exciting or terrible has happened....now this is the reason why it is 20 times more difficult to deal with....because when you start having feelings for your 'person' who can you tell???......who do you tell that when you see your crush you get butterflies? who can you tell that your crush makes your body do things and feel things it's never felt before???...what do you do when the person you are crushing on is your 'person'???
So many feelings come into play when the person you have a crush on is the person you spend the most time with...the person who knows what you're going to say before you say it...now you have to deal with the thoughts on top of the feelings...and to me the thoughts are much harder to handle...because now that you have discovered that you have feelings for this person your conversations are already starting to change because you are not 100% involved...you are there physically, but mentally you are busy worrying...you're worrying about what this person will think if you tell them how you feel...what would their immediate reaction be??...chances are you think you already know exactly what they'll do...so now you're worrying about that...if you and your best friend have a friendship where you are hugging and horse playing a lot...that becomes super awkward...you are now worrying about if your hand slips or if you hug them longer than usual...it's torture...it's absolute torture!....so what do you do?...
I can almost bet that I know what you've done so far...you have pushed them away...you may have not even known that you've done this...you've come up with excuses for not hanging out as much...or you've just flat out told them that you don't want to hang out...you think this will help you get your thoughts together right?....you think that by distancing yourself from them that these feelings will go away and you can go back to how things were?...yea...how's that workin for ya?....that's the worse thing you could do and I'll tell you why...you pushing them away will only make them think they did something wrong and it'll ruin your relationship...you shutting them out will only make them think that you've changed and wonder whether they should even be friends with you anymore because they feel like they no longer know you....so what you have to do is be honest...if you have these feelings for them and it's really not something that you can ignore, because some times we can ignore them...if it's just a little crush where you suddenly find that your best friend has grown up before your eyes and has become very beautiful or handsome...that's something you can push aside...but if it's something where you find you are actually attracted to them and you are fighting all the feelings I've mentioned than it's not something that'll pass...so you need to do some decision making...and fast!...if you have pushed them away then you need to decide right now what you're going to do...
The reality is that either way things will never be the same...if you have already distanced yourself from this person then chances are the relationship has shifted...so you now need to decide how you are going to tell them the truth about why you have done this to them or you will have to lie and just sum it up to you're just going through some 'stuff' which they won't believe...so you get what I'm saying right???...lying to them will not help the situation....it's a tough decision I know...because once you tell them what you're feeling it'll be the end of your relationship as you know it....what you could do is just tell them straight out how you feel but also tell them that you don't want things to get weird...it's just how you feel and you wanted to be honest before things started to get even more weird...it's a scary thought I know...but it's a lot better than leaving this person in the dark and just distancing yourself from them which leaves them to feel they've done something to you....now once you decide what you're going to do you need to prepare yourself for the possible outcome...you need to know that there is a good chance that your friend may look at you strangely at first...they may feel threatened and feel grossed out...but it'll pass once they remember who you are and what your friendship means....this may result in a fight at first because they may immediately think this means you want to make out with them or something gross...so be prepared for that reaction....once they calm down they will talk to you and you will be able to explain to them what exactly you feel....you will have to prepare to hear that they may not feel they could be close friends with you any more...they may feel by you telling them this changes things and that you can't hang out as much as you do...it's sad I know...but that's the reality of it....you need to prepare yourself for the worse case scenario...they will storm out the room and you will never speak again....this could very well happen...they may be very disgusted by this and decide that it's too much information and decide that they want nothing to do with you ever again...and honestly if this happens then you are better off without them...because if they can't 'handle' your feelings then they were never your 'person'....you will mourn the loss of that friendship but you will raise stronger and feel about your decision to tell them how you feel....oh there's one more outcome you should prepare for...and it's a good one!....you may pour your heart out to your BFF and they could very well tell you they feel the exact same way...they could tell you that they have had these feelings and have been struggling with tell you as well...which is great and wonderful for you both...but it brings us to the next section of this post....
Okay so it may turn out that both you and your best friend have feelings for each other...you're now struggling with what to do about these feelings...you are struggling because now that it's all out in the open you don't know what to do...do you act on these feelings or not?....let me tell you...once the cat is out of the bag there is no turning back...what I mean is once you tell each other how you feel there's no taking that back...from that moment the friendship has changed...the friendship you have an hour before you both spilled the beans is no longer the friendship you share....so the problem is not that crossing that line will change your friendship cuz that's already done...now the problem is what road will this friendship take...you are now at a cross road...to the left is the path where you try really, really hard to act like you didn't spill the beans and carry on a relationship that is non sexual or intimate....and pray that it's not awkward (good luck with that one) then to the right is the path where you jump into the pool holding hands and just pray you work great as a couple and don't end up breaking up and hating eachother (good luck with that one also)....so now you're left looking into each others eyes waiting for the other to make this tough decision....you need to know that either path you take will lead you to the same place...a new relationship...if you decide to go left your relationship will be one of awkwardness and one where you keep thinking 'what if' and you will be walking on egg shells and avoiding certain topics and situations....BUT...you will get over the awkwardness...the problem is that it'll take a while to get over it...and in the time it takes you could end up drifting apart unknowingly and one day wake up realizing the two of you haven't hung out for a month...you will still be friends but just no longer each others 'person'....but if you can stand the awkwardness and hang in there for it to pass then your friendship will take a new meaning and you will remain each others 'person' and be thankful you never crossed the line....if you take the path to the right you may have to deal with some awkwardness also...if you do end up crossing the line you may end up feeling extremely awkward and may find it's too much and too embarrassing which will result in the two of you drifting apart very quickly and the friendship ending very abruptly...which could be tragic....you could also find that yes it was awkward but beautiful at the same time...you may find that you two are closer because of crossing that line and you may be able to remain just friends after and just agree you shared something very special that you kept between the two of you....thirdly you may find that because you crossed the line you were able to see each other in a new light and realize that you are even more connected than you thought and may never go back to being just friends but go on to be something much deeper than either of you ever imagined...so whatever path you take it will change your relationship...but hopefully keep the 'friend'ship alive.
So whether you choose to tell your BFF how you feel or not it's a tough decision...if you are sitting there right now and the decision is overwhelming then talk to someone you trust...i know normally you'd go to your 'person' but try to think of someone who can be your temporary 'person'...because some times just talking about it aloud will help the decision seem clearer...good luck!
Monday, August 24, 2009
OFF TO HIGH SCHOOL....YIKES!!!
So it's almost the first day of school and this, you have been told are the most important years of your life...you are about to step into the halls which will hold all your secrets for the next 4 or 5 years...the halls that will hold all your thoughts, be it happiness, sadness, fear, regret or excitement....these halls will be the ones you will share your fears with when you are on your way to the principals office for the first time, and the ones you will share your excitement with the first time you sign yourself out...yes these halls will be your best friend and at times it will feel like they are your only friend.
I'm not going to lie to you...high school is tough...it's a hard place to be about 80% of the time...you will have a love hate relationship with this building...you will wake up days dreading the trip to school and become obsessed with looking at the clocks beggin it to read 3:15pm....yes high school will be tough...it's not anything like junior high...it is a whole different ball game!....you are entering a place where they have not only mean girls, but they also have jocks, brainers, artsy types and the loners...you thought you had trouble fitting in as a grade 6er??...finding where you fit in at this place will be 10 times worse!
If you think back to going into Juinor high, or if you think back to any situation where you were terrified of how you were going to do the first day, you survived!...so just like that...I PROMISE you...you will survive this too
Finding out where you fit in will be an interesting experience...in high school you will see that there are all kinds of pockets...people form different clicks and throughout the years different kids come in, take over, change it up then move on when they graduate, then you find new kids come in and do the same thing as those before them....you wil do a lot of learning about yourself while you decide where you fit in...you may begin in grade 9 as a brainer, then in grade 10 you'll find you're more of a mean girl or a jock then grade 11 you may decide to go back to being a brainer because college is important and you just don't want anything to mess that up....then in grade 12 others may see you as a loner, but you may just see it as you doing your own thing and cutting all ties with those that held you back the past 4 years...so you will bounce around in different clicks...and it'll be great and suck at the same time...but when you are done with high school it will be great to look back at all the different experiences you had and all the different people you hung out with those very important years.
There was a bit of pressure before high school and there will be after high school...but while you're in high school pressure is the worse...it's terrible just how much pressure lives within that building...pressure plays a huge part in high school and it will either make or break you over the years....but like i keep saying 'you'll be fine'....being able to deal with the pressure will be the hardest part...if you develope a method to tackle these pressures it'll be easier to deal with once it comes around....so here are a few pointers:
1) Pressure from your teachers to try your hardest:
-teachers expect every student to try their hardest...they expect you to come into their classroom and leave all your issues in the halls...they expect that you sit down, close your mouths and open your ears...they expect you to take notes and write down the lessons so you can complete your homework correctly...they expect you to ask questions if you don't understand something....and to hand in all assignements on time
HOW TO DEAL:
- the most important thing you can do is keep the lines of communication open with your teacher...let him/her know what's going on with you, because lets face it, they will become like another parent because they will see you more than your parents most likely...so if you can, let them know what is going on with you...if you have other responsibilities for example...this information would be very important for your teachers to know because this will allow them to understand why you're assignments are never on time, or why you seem sleepy every morning...allowing them to see what your life is will ease the pressure off you because they will have no choice but to see you as an individual
-be honest...if you are really just not into the subject you are learning about right now then tell your teacher that...but NOT infront of the whole class...after class...stay back after class is done and just be straight up with your teacher...because trust me if you are not interested they know there is no way they can get you to pass that subject which will add pressure onto them....so if you are honest and tell them how you feel and why the two of you can come up with a plan to make the subject less boring for you and will help the teacher to get some assignments handed in from you...and this applies to any reason you may not be doing the work...if there is a particular reason you can't do the work you need to let your teacher know because they are the ones that are marking you and if you don't let them know what's going on you have no right to complain about getting low grades!
2) Pressure from parents:
- It's hard being a teen...it's also hard being the parent of a teenager...so the two of you are bound to bud heads!...while you're in high school you are going to have a tough time at home at some point over the next 5 years...your home life will play a huge part in your performance at school...you will have to wake up and get ready for school and walk the halls with a smile on your face while all you can think about are the problems you are having at home....you will then have to go home and jump right back into the battlefield again and wake up tomorrow and do it all over again....it's hard being a teen and being a parent of a teen because neither of you understand eachother...you don't understand how your parents expect you to do excellent in school when you have so much going on...they don't get that you are being teased at school or that you didn't get the part in the play that you wanted and now you may be pushed down the social ladder because of it...they don't get that for some reason you had to sit alone at luch and you were chosen last in gym class...they totally don't get that you hate your going into the locker room because none of the other guys legs in your gym class are as hairy as yours....meanwhile your parents are feeling that you don't get that they can no longer aford to buy you the latest fashions this school year...or that you don't get that your parents are slowly slipping away from eachother so thats why there was no family vacation this summer...they feel you totally don't get that because they didn't get to go to college they so desperately want you to do better which is why they keep drilling you on handing things in on time and studying hard for those test you know you'll ace whether you study or not
HOW TO DEAL:
-talk, talk, talk!!!...talk to eachother!...this is the one and only thing you can do...you have to sit and talk to your parents...let them know what it's like being your age in this day and age...let them know that a 15 year old today is much different than a 15 year old back when they were that age...let them know why it's hard for you to open up to them about certain things and let them know what the pressure they put on you does to your spirit and the toll it takes on your relationship....if you open up about this your parents will do the same and share with you how they feel and their reasons for doing what they do and saying what they say...if you both are just yelling at eachother nothing will get better...you HAVE to talk TO eachother not AT eachother
-if your parents are not approachable get a third person involved...and NOT a friend!...you need to have another adult involved to help you approach your parents...another parent, a teacher, principal, older cousin, aunt, uncle, grand parent, anyone you can trust who you know will help you get your point across...another person who could help is an older sibling...this person is perfect because they have been where you are and they may have to remind your parents about the areas they went wrong with them...this will be kind of like a wake up call that they are slipping into the same behaviour....your older sibling will also offer comfort to you and will help you 'deal' with these pressures.
3) Pressure from friends:
-your friends will put on the most amount of pressure these next 4 or 5 years....they will play a role in everything you do and every decision you make...I don't know what it is about high schools but all of a sudden your friends become the most important people in your lives and they have some kind of hold over you...they will tell you how to act, dress talk and even walk...you will find that you will be doing what your friends do....if they join the swim team...you will join...even if you can't swim...you will risk drowning just so you are not an outcast...you will say what your friends say...if they put the word 'like' at the end of every sentence you will find yourself doing the same thing...even if you know it's not proper you will do it anyway....if your friends decide that they are not wearing a jacket to the dance...you will do the same...even if it's december and your teeth are chattering...you won't dare say the words 'I should have brought my jacket'...if your friends take spanish you will take it too...even if you KNOW you would much rather take German....you will go against what will make you happy you will do the exact opposite.
-then there are the major pressures...you will be pressured to do what everyone else is doing...whether it's sex, drugs, starving themselves, taking steriods, purging and binging, obsessed with working out, beating other kids up, stealing, selling drugs or any of the other million things going on out there....when you fall into these pressures it's very hard to get out...it's very hard to 'deal' but the hardest part is finally making the decision to get out...it's a brave but tough thing to do your own thing and just not get involved in what everyone else is doing.
HOW TO DEAL:
- dealing with peer pressure is hard...it's hard because it's embarrassing...it's embarrassing being the girl who says she's not going to kiss a boy tonight at the dance....it's embarrassing being the boy who says he's not going to take the 'roids' because he heard what it does to your body and he's willing to risk it...it's hard being the kid that everyone hates because you refuse to cover up for the classmate who is skipping to go to another city instead of coming to class....peer pressure sucks and it's hard...the thing to remember is that you are your own person...you have to remember that these people do not control you...they took no part in raising you therefore they have no right to tell you how to live your life....you have to believe that being part of a bad crowd is much worse than being a part of no crowd...if you go along and steal from the store and end up being the one who gets caught then what??...are they going to have your back and say you didn't do it? are they going to get you a lawyer or even explain to your parents that it was something you never really wanted to do?...gurantee...they will not...they will do the exact opposite and say it was all your idea and make sure you take the fall...it's not worth it...it's not worth it to fall into peer pressure because in the end...that group you so desperately want to be a part of will leave you out in the cold just as quickly as they accepted you into their click....you need to know that anyone who decides you are not worthy because you choose not to go against what you believe in...is not worth going against what you believe in!....you are your own person and you can do bad all by yourself!
I'm not going to lie to you...high school is tough...it's a hard place to be about 80% of the time...you will have a love hate relationship with this building...you will wake up days dreading the trip to school and become obsessed with looking at the clocks beggin it to read 3:15pm....yes high school will be tough...it's not anything like junior high...it is a whole different ball game!....you are entering a place where they have not only mean girls, but they also have jocks, brainers, artsy types and the loners...you thought you had trouble fitting in as a grade 6er??...finding where you fit in at this place will be 10 times worse!
If you think back to going into Juinor high, or if you think back to any situation where you were terrified of how you were going to do the first day, you survived!...so just like that...I PROMISE you...you will survive this too
Finding out where you fit in will be an interesting experience...in high school you will see that there are all kinds of pockets...people form different clicks and throughout the years different kids come in, take over, change it up then move on when they graduate, then you find new kids come in and do the same thing as those before them....you wil do a lot of learning about yourself while you decide where you fit in...you may begin in grade 9 as a brainer, then in grade 10 you'll find you're more of a mean girl or a jock then grade 11 you may decide to go back to being a brainer because college is important and you just don't want anything to mess that up....then in grade 12 others may see you as a loner, but you may just see it as you doing your own thing and cutting all ties with those that held you back the past 4 years...so you will bounce around in different clicks...and it'll be great and suck at the same time...but when you are done with high school it will be great to look back at all the different experiences you had and all the different people you hung out with those very important years.
There was a bit of pressure before high school and there will be after high school...but while you're in high school pressure is the worse...it's terrible just how much pressure lives within that building...pressure plays a huge part in high school and it will either make or break you over the years....but like i keep saying 'you'll be fine'....being able to deal with the pressure will be the hardest part...if you develope a method to tackle these pressures it'll be easier to deal with once it comes around....so here are a few pointers:
1) Pressure from your teachers to try your hardest:
-teachers expect every student to try their hardest...they expect you to come into their classroom and leave all your issues in the halls...they expect that you sit down, close your mouths and open your ears...they expect you to take notes and write down the lessons so you can complete your homework correctly...they expect you to ask questions if you don't understand something....and to hand in all assignements on time
HOW TO DEAL:
- the most important thing you can do is keep the lines of communication open with your teacher...let him/her know what's going on with you, because lets face it, they will become like another parent because they will see you more than your parents most likely...so if you can, let them know what is going on with you...if you have other responsibilities for example...this information would be very important for your teachers to know because this will allow them to understand why you're assignments are never on time, or why you seem sleepy every morning...allowing them to see what your life is will ease the pressure off you because they will have no choice but to see you as an individual
-be honest...if you are really just not into the subject you are learning about right now then tell your teacher that...but NOT infront of the whole class...after class...stay back after class is done and just be straight up with your teacher...because trust me if you are not interested they know there is no way they can get you to pass that subject which will add pressure onto them....so if you are honest and tell them how you feel and why the two of you can come up with a plan to make the subject less boring for you and will help the teacher to get some assignments handed in from you...and this applies to any reason you may not be doing the work...if there is a particular reason you can't do the work you need to let your teacher know because they are the ones that are marking you and if you don't let them know what's going on you have no right to complain about getting low grades!
2) Pressure from parents:
- It's hard being a teen...it's also hard being the parent of a teenager...so the two of you are bound to bud heads!...while you're in high school you are going to have a tough time at home at some point over the next 5 years...your home life will play a huge part in your performance at school...you will have to wake up and get ready for school and walk the halls with a smile on your face while all you can think about are the problems you are having at home....you will then have to go home and jump right back into the battlefield again and wake up tomorrow and do it all over again....it's hard being a teen and being a parent of a teen because neither of you understand eachother...you don't understand how your parents expect you to do excellent in school when you have so much going on...they don't get that you are being teased at school or that you didn't get the part in the play that you wanted and now you may be pushed down the social ladder because of it...they don't get that for some reason you had to sit alone at luch and you were chosen last in gym class...they totally don't get that you hate your going into the locker room because none of the other guys legs in your gym class are as hairy as yours....meanwhile your parents are feeling that you don't get that they can no longer aford to buy you the latest fashions this school year...or that you don't get that your parents are slowly slipping away from eachother so thats why there was no family vacation this summer...they feel you totally don't get that because they didn't get to go to college they so desperately want you to do better which is why they keep drilling you on handing things in on time and studying hard for those test you know you'll ace whether you study or not
HOW TO DEAL:
-talk, talk, talk!!!...talk to eachother!...this is the one and only thing you can do...you have to sit and talk to your parents...let them know what it's like being your age in this day and age...let them know that a 15 year old today is much different than a 15 year old back when they were that age...let them know why it's hard for you to open up to them about certain things and let them know what the pressure they put on you does to your spirit and the toll it takes on your relationship....if you open up about this your parents will do the same and share with you how they feel and their reasons for doing what they do and saying what they say...if you both are just yelling at eachother nothing will get better...you HAVE to talk TO eachother not AT eachother
-if your parents are not approachable get a third person involved...and NOT a friend!...you need to have another adult involved to help you approach your parents...another parent, a teacher, principal, older cousin, aunt, uncle, grand parent, anyone you can trust who you know will help you get your point across...another person who could help is an older sibling...this person is perfect because they have been where you are and they may have to remind your parents about the areas they went wrong with them...this will be kind of like a wake up call that they are slipping into the same behaviour....your older sibling will also offer comfort to you and will help you 'deal' with these pressures.
3) Pressure from friends:
-your friends will put on the most amount of pressure these next 4 or 5 years....they will play a role in everything you do and every decision you make...I don't know what it is about high schools but all of a sudden your friends become the most important people in your lives and they have some kind of hold over you...they will tell you how to act, dress talk and even walk...you will find that you will be doing what your friends do....if they join the swim team...you will join...even if you can't swim...you will risk drowning just so you are not an outcast...you will say what your friends say...if they put the word 'like' at the end of every sentence you will find yourself doing the same thing...even if you know it's not proper you will do it anyway....if your friends decide that they are not wearing a jacket to the dance...you will do the same...even if it's december and your teeth are chattering...you won't dare say the words 'I should have brought my jacket'...if your friends take spanish you will take it too...even if you KNOW you would much rather take German....you will go against what will make you happy you will do the exact opposite.
-then there are the major pressures...you will be pressured to do what everyone else is doing...whether it's sex, drugs, starving themselves, taking steriods, purging and binging, obsessed with working out, beating other kids up, stealing, selling drugs or any of the other million things going on out there....when you fall into these pressures it's very hard to get out...it's very hard to 'deal' but the hardest part is finally making the decision to get out...it's a brave but tough thing to do your own thing and just not get involved in what everyone else is doing.
HOW TO DEAL:
- dealing with peer pressure is hard...it's hard because it's embarrassing...it's embarrassing being the girl who says she's not going to kiss a boy tonight at the dance....it's embarrassing being the boy who says he's not going to take the 'roids' because he heard what it does to your body and he's willing to risk it...it's hard being the kid that everyone hates because you refuse to cover up for the classmate who is skipping to go to another city instead of coming to class....peer pressure sucks and it's hard...the thing to remember is that you are your own person...you have to remember that these people do not control you...they took no part in raising you therefore they have no right to tell you how to live your life....you have to believe that being part of a bad crowd is much worse than being a part of no crowd...if you go along and steal from the store and end up being the one who gets caught then what??...are they going to have your back and say you didn't do it? are they going to get you a lawyer or even explain to your parents that it was something you never really wanted to do?...gurantee...they will not...they will do the exact opposite and say it was all your idea and make sure you take the fall...it's not worth it...it's not worth it to fall into peer pressure because in the end...that group you so desperately want to be a part of will leave you out in the cold just as quickly as they accepted you into their click....you need to know that anyone who decides you are not worthy because you choose not to go against what you believe in...is not worth going against what you believe in!....you are your own person and you can do bad all by yourself!
SORRY IT'S BEEN SO LONG!
I'm so sorry I've been neglecting my blog for the past few weeks...I haven't been in the best of moods so I didn't think I would be able to be as inspiring as I'd like to be so I stayed away...but I'm back and I was given some excellent ideas from a friend of mine, so I promise my blog will be more appealing soon...but while I get it all together I will continue to write my thoughts down and hope that someone out there is getting the help they may be needing right now...
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